SEPTEMBER 4, 2025, 5:02 AM:
The way to describe my mood lately is unclear. Antsy, I suppose? I should be happy. I was happy. There's still happiness, but it is masked by something else. Worry, anxiety.
I ruined my sleep schedule again. I keep having dreams where I scream at my mother. Last night I dreamt that I had a mini bike, and I kept yelling at my mother, then would drive that mini bike home, in the complete dark, going the wrong way through traffic.
I have officially started school. My college class is eerily easy, but it is English 101. For high school, I somehow put myself in 3 electives that, in the Edgenuity program, require I do several projects a week for each class.
My boyfriend finished his first week of college. I'm really proud of him. I've known him for a bit now, but it still feels like I'm trying to get him to open up. We are extremely similar in many ways (matching autism!) but the opposite socially. I am loud, shameless, and bubbly. He is quiet, shy, and reserved. I think he still has resolve to mask, and I'm pretty sure he does it around me. We are both still unmasking each other, I suppose.
Being with him doesn't feel like a honeymoon phase. I don't have that constant feeling of "being in love" but there is still lovesickness. It feels steady. I don't talk to him 24/7. We both like our alone times, where we do whatever it is we do.
I'm trying to arrange another date for us to see each other, but things keep getting in the way.
END TIME: 5:13 AM
SEPTEMBER 4, 2025, 10:45 PM:
Felt like shit when I woke up this evening. I actually wanted to die. It took me three hours to get out of bed. However, my parents left for several hours, so I took the opportunity to let myself be loud and play music.
It helped a bit, but I still felt like shit, so I thought "hey, instead of stewing in your luteal misery like you always do, how about you do something to make yourself feel better?" So I actually did something productive for once and I washed my bedsheets, took a shower, and threw away some things, because usually being dirty is the source of like 70% of my problems. I also got some stressful schoolwork out of the way.
I still feel not great, like I don't want to talk to anyone at all, and when anyone tries to text me I get annoyed instead of excited, but at least I'm in a mostly clean little bubble and happy by myself instead of being in a dirty little bubble and hating myself.
I have work to do in the next 3 days. It will be miserable. It will be grueling. But maybe I'll make some money and be a few hundred dollars richer.
END TIME: 10:53 PM
SEPTEMBER 7, 2025, 11:48 PM:
My weekend was miserable. I did jack. Probably made jack. Was sick the entire weekend too. I can't tell if it's the antibiotics or if something else is wrong with me. I also can't sleep when I try to either. I lay down and then this awful, jackhammering headache ensues. Last night I was only able to sleep because I dug up my disposable and hit it a few too many times.
My boyfriend might be coming over on Friday. His dad wants to talk my parents. I don't really want that to happen, because gross, I know what they're going to talk about. It feels like this shouldn't have to be a discussion to be had about grown adults but we live under our parents' roofs, I guess.
END TIME: 11:53 PM