JANUARY 1, 2026, 12:25 AM:
Happy new year, everyone.
JANUARY 4, 5:14 AM:
I genuinely do not know what is wrong with me.
It's happening again. Last time it happened, I lost 6 pounds. In 2 weeks, I went from 110 to 104.
One awful thing happens to me, and it's like a switch flips in my brain. I go from happy to "you should overdose on pain pills."
My dad triggered this one. He got mad at me for sleeping in. My best friend was staying the night, and she slept just as long, and would have longer if I didn't set an alarm in order to get her home in time. He didn't dare get mad at her.
I guess I realized that my dad treats her better than he treats me. He buys her things, calls her his other daughter, and automatically invites her to everything I want to do. It's not her fault and I'm not mad at her, and she deserves to have a father, considering that hers is barely in her life. But god it just feels so fucking awful to watch someone who was barely around treat someone else like how you are supposed to be treated. My dad treats me like I'm his fucking co-worker or something, and when he's home, all I feel like doing is hiding. Physically hiding. I hid in my bathroom in the dark for 30 minutes until I was forced to leave.
My Christmas present was slightly expensive, and he said that it was both Christmas and birthday. I expected to not get anything else for Christmas. But I don't get a birthday gift for my 18th birthday now. Because I'm not a fucking brat, I didn't say anything, but god do I want to act like one.
I feel like acting out and doing shit I'm not supposed to. He said I was the perfect kid and I never did anything wrong ever. I should have done shit wrong. I should have snuck out and fucked strangers and did drugs. Maybe then I would have some fucking friends and it wouldn't have changed a damn thing about how he treats me.
No, instead I get to go through 2 week solitary phases where I don't eat anything and make plans for suicide and no one notices. One day I'll die from it and never have had done anything fun along the way. I'm the only person I know that does this and I think I might legitimately be crazy.
I don't want to do it. I don't want to get older and have to do more than what I already do (everything) alone. I'm not going to fucking do it, and I don't know how that is going to end.
END TIME: 5:46 AM