DECEMBER 1, 2025, 8:15 PM:
My grandma died today. She passed in her sleep, peacefully. I watched her yesterday, and today she died. I already accepted she was gone. I don't even remember what she used to be like, so it was kind of like she was dead already. I'm not even upset, just kind of glad her suffering is over. Her quality of life was awful.
END TIME: 8:17 PM
DECEMBER 2, 2025, 4:22 PM:
My piano arrived today. I've been having fun just fucking around and playing the songs I can play on virtual piano. I'm, heh, kind of the best guys
DECEMBER 4, 2025, 2:52 AM:
I think I have PTSD.
I don't necessarily want to share what it's about, but every time it gets mentioned, or even something related to it, it's like my brain goes numb and an endless void opens in my stomach. I have nightmares about it; I had one the other night, and I woke up so stressed out I was almost in tears.
My depression waned for a little while, but now it's getting worse again. The week has been stressful. My grandma died, of course, and my dad is home again and there's been new change in my room and her funeral is tomorrow (today, actually) and I had to go find a dress and I was left in the store for 2 hours all alone.
I feel hopeless. Not devoid of hope in my mind, but as if I might have no feasible hope, but I retain some of it anyway.
It may just be hormones and stress. I don't feel like talking to anyone, or eating anything, but I make myself do it anyway. I just want to be locked away in my room to do whatever I want.
I've been feeling like maybe I'm not worth it. Like I don't even deserve to crave basic human attention, and it makes me feel like an alien. I've come to realize that I have little understanding of human relationships in practice. I have plenty in theory- I know how to recognize toxicity and what's healthy. But I do not feel it. I do not know a teenage girl's unbreakable bond with her 'mommy.' I have never clicked with my father and I dread it when he walks into a room. I have no siblings and I do not see any other family members aside from holidays. I haven't even met enough boyfriends or girlfriends to understand the edgy break-up stuff I see on TikTok, and what little experience I have with them, was tarnished so abashedly that it makes me not ever want to do it again. All I have are a few friends I've been pulling away from.
I really need to go to sleep soon. I cry when I write this stuff, and I already had a headache, so that's going to get worse. I have to be up by 9.
END TIME: 3:10 AM
DECEMBER 9, 2025, 1:21 PM:
I feel like a dead, bloated water buffalo floating down the river. I haven't slept and I just practically chugged 3/4 a bottle of Coke while playing Fortnite and listening to classical. Am I living the high life?
Piano is going well (maybe, I have a terrible sense of pitch). I learned how to identify major scales. Piano is both encouraging and disparaging. I look at it and just want to play, but don't know how yet. However, music theory is really fun to learn once you simplify the shitty vocabulary in your head. "I like your funny words, magic man!"
Yesterday morning, my dad came into my room and listened to me play E major, told me that I was the best kid ever, and then said I was going to be the most socially awkward person ever once I got out of college. A strange chain of events.
I can feel myself entering burn-out. Christmas break is in two weeks, and while schoolwork isn't necessarily hard, piling it onto the daily existential stress of existence along with managing inner turmoil and physical maintenance all adds up to one big steaming pile of shit that won't make it those two weeks. I both want to interact with people and don't. Whenever someone calls or texts, I get this deep pit of dread that forms in my chest, but I also don't want them to leave.
I feel so stressed for no reason. I don't do anything. But there's a lot I need to do. I need to clean, for one. I got low to my floor and saw just how beautifully disgusting it is. I need to do laundry, maybe dust. I also have appointments coming up for my autism assessment, which is spread out into five fucking appointments. My birthday is also coming up next month, and on the 18th this month, there's a stupid fucking "Student Showcase" presentation that every senior is required to do, including virtual. I think I'm just going to bring a bunch of my sketchbooks and my iPad and say "look at how much I've grown!"
I've taken on so many hobbies that I don't know what to do with it all. It's like being both Rapunzel and Mother Gothel. I have to be good at my hobbies or they stress me out more than they make me happy. Piano? Better learn all of Clair De Lune in a week. Art? Better get cracking. Your best friend is better than you and she doesn't even have to try. Video games? If you can't carry your friends, why are you even playing?
I think maybe I need to slow down. My body is at a snail's pace and my mind is at a cheetah's. They both need to be at the leisurely stroll of a Walking horse. I'm going to finish my schoolwork for today, throw my laundry in the washer, sweep, and then, perchance, take a nap (a 12 hour one). Sometimes I need to remind myself that it will all be okay, albeit a bit greasy.
END TIME: 1:43 PM