August 19, 2025, 6:24 AM:
I want to kiss my best friend. I want to kiss my boyfriend. I want to feel their fingers in places. I want to reenact the shit you see in porn, but maybe with Octonauts on the TV.
Why the fuck must she be so good at drawing? You have a constant need to be better than everyone else? You told me that. I believe it.
When I meet a person for the first time, I log every action they take and every word they say just so I can get an idea of what churns the cogs in their head. (I'm supposed to take idioms literally because I'm autistic, right?)
I met someone who acts a lot like me and I want to be inside his skin.
I feel the need to be mystical but every attempt feels like a failure.
Is this art?
Why can't we all just be nice? Why can't you just be fucking nice to me? I shove niceties down your throat because I am not allowed to dislike you until you've done something abhorrent (I like that word, I like the way it twangs) to me, and even then I'll forgive you because I have no friends. Or maybe not. I like to pretend like I have boundaries.
I want to be eccentric, but not in the tumblr way.
My life could be divided into chapters. The first few almost ended the book there, but I was too much of a pussy. Being a coward saved my life.
Do you ever wanna slowly slit someone's throat in their sleep, watch them wake up to the pain, and see the panic erect because they never even saw it coming? Then you wanna cry because what you just did was irreversible and not at all as cool as the books and movies make it seem? Yeah, me neither.
God, I'm hungry.
Pussy tastes like salty nothing. At least the outside does. The inside is bitter.
Why are so many people NPCs? I refuse to believe you have nothing better to do than work and watch movies. Just be more like my dad. He works, jacks off, hates his wife, has a personality sometimes. He goes to Lowe's 5 times a day, and that is not hyperbole.
Once when I was really young, my dad tried to divorce my mom, but I told him if he did, I would cut out his face from every picture of him we had, and he managed to make me forgive him by buying me a copy of Minecraft.
I was watching lesbian porn but I got really distracted by the ugly fucking couch they were faking on.
I thought I was 100% gay in middle school because I was being manipulated by a straight girl. I'm only half gay now. I like men who could protect our family from smilodon populator with ease and put their genetic material inside me. I like women who aren't obese and don't have blue hair. That's the only criteria for you, girls. Take a number.
Nicki from Orange is the New Black is who I aspire to be.
Sometimes I feel enlightened, sometimes I feel like a degenerate.
Why can't I take my shirt off wherever I fucking feel like it? You look at boobs on your greasy phone every night, faggot, mine aren't so terrible either.
Why is there no porn for women? Why is there no porn that caters to my very specific, exact, disgusting tastes? Why do I have to read words like an intellectual to get off?
I want to show this to someone.
I would suck the dick/lick the pussy of whoever made the Roku screensavers.
I have not worn a bra since the sixth grade. I have 30Ds. You will fucking like it. You aren't allowed to like it like that, you fucking freak, and I fucking mean that.
I will be an adult in less than six months and I still have no door on my room. My mom doesn't want it to have a lock so she can barge in on me shirtless and/or masturbating. I get a unicorn blanket nailed up for privacy instead.
Honey was supposed to be a lot more graphic but I am embarrassed to truly express my art to others despite my sexual personality.
I want to try shrooms, LSD, and ecstasy.
I got glasses. The guy doing the tally wouldn't shut the fuck up about anime after he saw my Chainsaw Man shirt. He talked about the Sonic fandom. I started rocking back and forth and went nonverbal to see if it scared him off. I think it worked.
I went back two days later and he was there again. He was fat still.
I use proper grammar when I feel like it and only sometimes out of obligation.
I empathize with the bad guys you aren't supposed to empathize with.
I crave attention and I am not afraid to admit it.
Too many people write love songs.
I'm so fucking hungry. Why did I brush my teeth earlier?
My dad doesn't like it when I sleep all day. I stay up all night so I can create a delusion of privacy and safety.
Masturbation is sometimes a traumatizing experience.
I haven't started crying yet. I might in a bit.
Does this make you think less of me?
I want to vomit my social security number and everything about me to a random stranger so that I can be remembered.
If I leave nothing behind, did I ever exist? This is not nihilist. I will proliferate to make this not so.
Sandra Bullock is so fucking hot. So is Nick Sandow.
I am scared I am dependent on my mother.
I must explain everything and my entire thought process to you because I believe you are incapable of reading between the lines and I am terrified of you getting me wrong.
Most cryptic media is done wrong. I did it wrong and I wasn't even trying to be cryptic. I just live only in my dreams.
My therapist did nothing for me except be a brick wall for me to talk at. I miss Kelly. I don't miss going to appointments. In-house therapy, please. You can live in the space behind my shower.
I am more comfortable being vulnerable over text because I used to socialize entirely through it.
When I was a kid, I wanted to get sick and get hurt because I thought that to the only way to be valid was to be unique. It seems a lot of other people also thought this way.
Life is so much better when you uninstall Reddit.
Fuck you, disrespectfully, I want to see you in great despair and agony: Christian Wheeler, Skylar Martin, Gage Felty, Zane Aspell, Bella Hans, David Pack (aka Ryan Reynolds), Shannon Lynd, Kacey Carver, Kayla Coleman (your husband is cool though), Jill Donini (I hope you break all ten fingers again, bitch), Angie Fritz, Noah Francia, Chloe Sparks, Jennifer Lambert, Kimberly Powell, Kevin Powell, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore
I think about how I would get away with crimes I would never do.
I saw one of my middle school ELA teachers in a porn ad once.
I want Anne Hathaway to sit on my face. (Not the Shakespeare one)
I think people who still have the courage to be edgy in 2025 are people to be worshipped.
"Huge knot dildo XL Razor machine-fucks and floods my pussy" should be revered as modern art.
Why do I need to use MLA format? I'll give you the link and you can look at it yourself.
I am a subliminal messenger.
I want to become schizophrenic just so I can escape reality permanently without having to die.
Every tragedy you can think of is simultaneously the worst thing you can go through and not that bad.
If I was slightly more retarded, my dad might have abandoned me.
My dad claims he never spanked me when I was a child. I have a vivid memory of him removing my hand from my ass when I tried to stop him from doing it.
My mom spanked me when I was a child and is proud of it.
My mother thinks you can beat the high-support needs out of an autistic child.
I should have said "only when I'm with you" to Collin Alexander when he told me I embarrass myself every time I show my face in public in the second grade.
Run-on sentences are great I love them.
Shit, I forgot something I was about to write.
I remember now. I think.
Nope, I forgot again.
I remember now, I think, again.
Money doesn't buy happiness? Will it buy me hookers? Then money does buy happiness.
I hate religious people almost more than I hate liberals.
"The government is dividing us! The two party system will doom us!" No fucking shit, I don't see you doing anything about it other than fence-sitting and crying on the Internet.
Everyone is more racist than they thought they were, me included.
I fucking hate Friends so much.
My mom has been binging M*A*S*H for two weeks. I want to smash the TV in.
I need to go to sleep if I want to earn my privacy on Thursday.
Every opinion you have has been regurgitated somewhere else, and if you can prove to me that you have one that is entirely unique, I will kiss your feet. I have done it before.
I am friends with one of the biggest hypocrites on the face of the planet. If you so much as harm a hair on that hypocrite's head, I will fucking scalp you and feed it to you anally.
Napoleon was 5'7.
My art is both freeing and restricting.
Is there something I'm not seeing? Some kind of enigmatic quality to it that I'm not seeing? Or am I really just that fucking bad at it?
I have no future but the ones in my head.
What will happen if an unemployed loser marries another unemployed loser?
I feel bad for the people I used to play Fortnite with.
I am always so proud of myself whenever I accomplish absolutely anything, small or large, and it is both a flaw and a redeeming quality.
Do I really have to wear retainers for the rest of my life?
I never wore my rubber bands when I had braces. Braces made me want to claw my teeth out. I used to hit myself in the face to try to make the feeling of mutilation go away.
It took me a long time to realize I am not normal.
If my parents knew the exact, true kind of person I was, they would wonder where they went wrong.
I have free will and I remember I have free will every day. Part of that free will is remembering I don't have to pretend I beat raccoons with stop signs.
Hillbilly and redneck are slurs.
I was never sexually assaulted. I am the outlier.
I want anarchy, until the anarchy is in my backyard.
In most of my dreams, someone is watching me do something you do alone, and no matter how much I scream at them, they do not go away.
My mother is my slob roommate.
I think I would be great friends with Tyler, The Creator.
I think I would be terrible friends with Ayesha Erotica.
Several of the characters on this website are self-inserts. If you guess which ones and how many, I will chew up a cookie and spit it in your mouth.
I like writing fanfiction where my character gets/is pregnant and that is usually it.
I lose respect for people who post themselves crying.
I feel so dirty all the time--not in the metaphorical way--the physical way. Do not get close to me, do not touch me, I will give you diseases. I used to go a month without showering. Sometimes, now, I will go a week. It makes me feel unworthy of love in every way possible.
None of the other Viltrumites want to play with me...
No, I didn't get your mainstream pop culture reference, sorry.
I need silence so fucking bad. Shut your fucking mouth and just sit with me. If your dog starts barking, shut it up fast, because I will hold it down by its neck until it makes enough choking sounds that I feel bad, and sometimes that can take a while.
I am not my own. I am an amalgamation of every person I have admired ever.
God does not exist. There is only logic.
I need to start being meaner to people.
To the girls that kept braiding the yarn hair on my statue in art class: I hope you never find love, your parents tell you that you were adopted and that your birth parents were drug addicts, and that because they were drug addicts, your brains melted into liquidy smoothies.
I love semicolons; semicolons are so fun to look at.
I miss when TV was allowed to be both shitty and fun.
I yearn for a time in which I did not exist yet.
Does my life truly have worth if all I did on this planet was take?
After this, I'm going to send a blurry snap to someone I know, and say "wrote down some thoughts."
Why does the period have to be inside the quotes?
To call something man-made is an oxymoron.
I once spent a week in my aunt's basement for no reason.
What the fuck do you mean, "you weren't allowed to watch Spongebob"? What the fuck about Spongebob is so satanic?
You could draw a new night sky with the acne on my back.
I want to suck hickeys on my boyfriend's neck and parade him in front of my mom.
I think I broke up with my ex-boyfriend for no reason.
I will never forget her leading me on for so long. I will forgive her because she is just a clueless, retarded girl.
I love the smell of fresh period blood.
I think the government is brainwashing me through the buzz I hear when my TV is on.
I got a postcard from a complete stranger with no name in middle school. It says "Know that you are loved." It is still taped to my ceiling.
I enjoy faggot-ish things in a better way than you do, faggot.
I think my life is just a slow descent into madness, but reversed.
I love the movie "Cars" so fucking much.
END TIME: 8:01 AM.
AUGUST 23, 2025, 12:42 AM:
"Why do you have to be perfect?"
"I seriously can't get over how pretty you are"
"You're so cute"
Why must this man BE SO AMAZING? I feel like I should thank his mother for shitting him out.
Being in a relationship makes me a better person. I have another person to look forward to, someone else to think about. It makes my mental health better. It helps with the quiet, ever-present, naggling voice in my head that calls me dirty.
The number of showers I take directly correlates to my mood.
I think that's all I need to say, for now.
END TIME: 12:49 AM
AUGUST 24, 2025, 10:50 AM:
I woke up early today (by my standards, meaning I went to bed at a normal time and slept 12 hours).
I didn't feel good about it though. I answered text messages, took a shower(!), had some sweet tea. Now I'm here.
A website I really like followed me back. It made me think of things. Like the world.
I am not bitter towards it; I view it neutrally. The world does not exist to serve anything, not even itself. Only society exists to serve itself. The purpose of life has always been to survive for as long as possible and give your genes to the next generation. It is a human quality to seek happiness along the way, which I think means it is important to remember you are not deserving of anything.
In a world where you are feral, you must fight to the death for food, shelter, water, and mating rights. A world where you are feral is the default. Society is not. Human ingenuity from your successors is the only reason that you are reading this.
More than 90% of humans that ever lived are dead.
There have been more chickens alive ever than humans alive ever.
Our chicken overlords are arriving.
END TIME: 11:14 AM
AUGUST 25, 2025, 1:20 PM:
Today I am wracked with overwhelming anxiety. I think I am sick. I have a mild fever, there are little blue men dancing in my tummy and behind my eyes, and I have the unavoidable urge to feed.
My boyfriend started college today. I don't think he's handling it well. He's supposed to be done at 8, which I think is an absolutely terrible time to get out of school. It's better than going in the morning, I suppose.
The anxiety is crippling, and for no particular reason. I need to leave the house, but I can't go anywhere, for I am helpless without a license. My spawnpoint is sick in bed with allergies and the illness known as 'depression.'
I have so much I should be getting done, and I wish I was doing it right now, but I also want to do nothing. I woke up at 1 AM this morning because I went to sleep at 6 something after taking a nausea pill. I deeply regret it, mostly because I missed out on my dad's donuts and lemonade.
Every time that life goes well for me, something must show up to ruin it. It is inevitable. I have been happy for a week, with a relationship and general okay mood, and so I must suffer for months to make up for it. Maybe this oncoming fucking typhoid fever is my retribution, which is among the tiniest of consequences I could have faced. This is a positive.
I forgot I have school, too. I'm virtual, both for high school and college, which is a blessing, but at this moment in time I want it to be gone. I want to use sickness as an excuse to not do any of it, but that makes me feel even more utterly useless.
I feel like a stain upon the planet. I do nothing but lock myself in my doorless room, stay up all night, eat, shit, sleep, and play video games. Half the time I reek. I have done this for years. I have never been productive for more than a couple days at a time.
I need to feel someone, I think.
END TIME: 1:34 PM
AUGUST 25, 2025, 3:36 PM:
I did productive things. Loaded the dishwasher, took out the trash, took a shower, did college work, ordered groceries, did some sketching.
My mind will not slow down. I cannot get it to slow down. I just want a minute of peace. One minute of silence. There is a burning underneath my skin from the fever. The anxiety is cold.
END TIME: 3:41 PM
AUGUST 26, 2025, 8:44 PM:
I woke up at 6 AM today, extremely dazed and confused, because I thought it impossible for me to wake up at such a time.
I've had a bug bite of some kind on my arm for a couple days now, and today the swelling was worse and there was a red ring about an inch across around it. It was painful just to move my arm, so we went to the doctor.
I got a tetanus shot (moving my arm now hurts more than the shot did) and now I'm on antibiotics. Yay. Last time I was on antibiotics I would throw them up within an hour of taking them. I'm on a different kind this time, two pills, keflex and vibramycin, which are a bitch to swallow, but at least they're red and blue. Fun colors!
I helped my dad grill burgers. The burgers were not good, but I spent some time with my dad, which is better than any burger, I suppose. I also drove for a while today, which I really needed to do, since I (still) don't have my license yet.
I believe that this bug bite is the culprit for how shit I've felt the past couple days. I have to go in next week to test for Lyme if it doesn't improve.
My boyfriend left me on open today, which hurt, for some reason, even though rationally I take no offense to it. I can't tell if he just likes to be left alone, doesn't want to bother me, or doesn't like talking to me that much. It's probably the middle. He's an absolute sweetheart whenever we do talk, but college is eating up most of his time. I wish we could go on another date but he doesn't have a license either and he's busy from noon to 8 Monday-Thursday.
I think about him a lot, especially his hands. He's got these lanky, bony hands that look like something out of a pornhwa. He's really tall too (6'1), so his hands are huge, like "they could wrap around my waist and his fingertips would meet" huge. I compared my hands to his, and I look like a child in comparison. It activates this primal feeling in me that I really enjoy. It's such a shame he's a bottom.
END TIME: 9:01 PM
AUGUST 28, 2025, 6:08 PM:
I had an extremely strange dream last night. A wet dream, mostly (I have a lot of those), but also mildly traumatizing. I ate out my best friend (but I don't remember it too well), and then suddenly I apparently had killed someone, and my boyfriend burned down an antique store. We went to the same prison and I saw his skinny ass getting bent over and raped by four dudes 😠then we were in a house, like the guard houses from Orange is the New Black, and he ate me out. It felt like a real sensation; I remember making noise (I don't do that, ever) and then I woke up kind of confused.
I talked to a friend I hadn't talked to in a while today. She thought I was pregnant. I freaked out. I'm approaching the age where it is actually acceptable to be that. It makes me feel good and bad at the same time.
END TIME: 6:16 PM
AUGUST 30, 2025, 1:33 PM:
So an absolutely wonderful and totally not embarrassing thing happened to me today!
I was in the shower, doing not showering things, with a not showering object. The box to the not showering object was on my toilet seat. I thought I was safe to give myself some privacy in my own bathroom, but I suppose not. Do you see where this is going?
My dad cracked open the door to tell me he was leaving. I don't know if he looked. I'm pretending he didn't see it, but the cracked open door has a perfect view of said toilet seat. I'm more thankful it was my dad and not my mother. My mother does not know how to keep anything to herself. My mother would barge in, get a perfect view of me in the shower with the not showering object in my hand, and then run out to call everyone she knows and tell them she saw me in the shower with a not showering object in my hand.
I am trying to cope with what just happened by complaining to my boyfriend and my best friend and also randomly screaming, and I think it's working.
END TIME: 1:41 PM